"Transfigured Night" by Arnold Schoenberg, or [if you force me to I guess I'll try to fake it]

This piece makes me feel...

NOTHING.

I've tried. I've played the whole thing through numerous times: while sitting on the couch, while making dinner, while on the treadmill, while in the car, while waking up in the morning, while drifting off to sleep at night. It just does nothing for me. Usually I get distracted and start cutting my toenails or pondering over how much my next Discover Card statement is going to be. It doesn't hold my attention. It's not that it's bad; it's just nothing.

Maybe it's because the song is composed entirely of strings. (There's my timbre analysis) The sound of strings just doesn't move me. It reminds me of a sketch from the Dave Chappelle Show:

here

First Dave visits a business meeting in an office building and proves (with the help of John Mayer) that white people can't resist dancing to the sound of electric guitar. He gets similar results in a fancy restaurant full of white people. As a control he then has Mayer play guitar at a barbershop in Harlem. No one dances. In fact they tell him to, "shut the f@#$ up." Then he gets Questlove to play a drum kit and all the African Americans start dancing. With the addition of an electric piano he gets the Latin Americans dancing too.

So string ensembles don't get me dancing. I'd argue that it's due to my gender, race, age, and/or socioeconomic background, but I'm guessing I'm not that different than Dr. Henderson in any of these regards and he goes gaga over this stuff. Perhaps Dr. Henderson is the exception to the rule.

Here's my THRMFT+ examination of the fifth section, Adagio (2):

Texture = Homophonic
Harmony = From the supplemental reading I've gathered that it has a high degree of atonality, but personally having trouble recalling any memorable melody it's hard to tell when the piece diverges from the tonic. It seems that the fifth section is less atonal than some of the previous sections.
Rhythm = This piece needs some rhythm. It seems completely random to me.
Melody = Unmemorable
Form = The reading says its ABACA.
Timbre = String Orchestra
+ = I gather this is the conclusion of the story when the guy who has discovered his gal has been knocked up by another guy decides to forgive his gal and raise the child as his own. So I guess I'm supposed to feel happy for them? (I thought the poem was awful. Maybe it lost something in translation.) The music does suggest that things are calmer or that some crisis has been resolved, but frankly I think this section of music could be used with any sappy Hollywood film with a predictable happy ending. It's my belief that if you want to tell a story using music you're going to need to have some lyrics. It's also nice if you can wrap it up in around three minutes, instead of a half-hour. I'm curious whether each member of the symphony audience is given a copy of the poem and, if so, whether or not they are told when transitioning from one stanza to the next?

In conclusion, if I never hear this piece again for the rest of my life that would be fine with me. And if I do hear it again I probably won't even recognize it.